Suggested listen: Calm down — Rema

~

It seems like every few years I end up circling back to buddhism. I am an atheist, but zen in particular always has had a special place in my heart. There are a few books that have shaped how I think, Zen and the art of motorcycle manteinance and If you meet buddha on the road, kill him! above all others.

Like I said a while ago though, it’s always felt that reading about buddhism gave me — at best — only a fleeting sense of acceptance. A dopamine hit for a few days, weeks, maybe even months, but then I was back at square one, detaching myself from life itself and falling into a spiral of negative thoughts and… just not being there.

~

After my latest breakup I’ve decided to go back to the therapist I saw for a few months at the beginning of the year. Our last time I was telling him how I was trying to make my relationship work. This time, I was telling him why it didn’t.

There’s been a few recurring patterns we’ve discussed in these last sessions, all boiling down to being… authentic. Loaded and overused word, I know, but it’s the one that fits the most so I have to use it. I’ve learned that time used to try to appeal to others is wasted time, time spent not doing what I want to do is wasted time, time trying to fit in is wasted time. Everybody knows this, I feel like, but I’ve had to learn it, like really, really, learn it again at thirty-one.

Knowing something, and really grokking it however, are two very different things. I’ve known the preachings of buddhism for half of my life, but I’ve never really understood them fully — the past doesn’t exist, the future is in your mind, so the present is all that really matters. And not just the present, but this exact moment. Easy, right?

No, it’s not easy.

~

Another thing I’ve struggled a lot with has been negative self-talk and overthinking. When I decided to take matters into my hands a few years ago I did something that changed my life for the better — I moved the locus of control from external to internal. That meant that I accepted whatever my current condition was and said to myself “alright Diego, this is it, now it’s up to you what you make of it”. Which is nice, reinvigorating, hard to do but worth it. I’ve changed a lot and I’m happy with the progress I’ve made.

There’s a lot of merit to the idea of taking control of your life — no one is going to do it for you, so you better do it yourself. What I’ve messed up, though, is not realising that things happen for multiple reasons that are often outside of your control, even if you try your best. You might prepare thoroughly for an interview and the interviewer could have a bad day; you could be on “your best behaviour” with a friend and they might grow detached anyways because of some personal issues; you might be the sweetest, most interesting, sexiest person ever and a date could still go wrong because the timing is not right.

These things happen, often, and blaming yourself because “you had full control” only leads to self-imposed toxicity. Sometimes things just don’t work out, and it’s fine. What my therapist helped me realise was that changing the frame from “I did my best and still didn’t succeed” to “I did my best and if it didn’t work out that’s alright” is essential to be able to live with your actions and decisions. Sometimes it really just doesn’t work out, and it’s not anybody’s fault.

~

Looking back there are a lot of things I wish I did differently, especially with people. I’ve realised telling them helps a lot. And what’s funny is that often when I tell them they tell me things too, things they wished they had done differently. It was not just me. It was me, them, and external factors. It was not just me.

~

A few weeks ago I picked up the Essential writings by Thích Nhất Hạnh, a vietnamese buddhist figure. I like the dude and how he talks about stuff. This time I’ve not been rushing through the book like I used to, instead I’m reading a few pages every time I go out. Before starting reading, I take a moment to breathe and remind myself that I exist right there, in that specific second and place in time. It reminds me that nothing else exists. Sometimes I don’t even end up reading the book but just… exist — and I smile because I’m lucky to.

~

I think this time I’ve really internalised that I need to be kind to myself, even before being kind to others. If something doesn’t work out it’s not because of me, it’s because at that time, in that space, it wasn’t meant to be. I can learn from it, and I should, but I need to let go. I can suffer, but every time I do I remind myself that I’m lucky that I even have the ability to suffer, as it means something happened and I did my best — as long as I did what I felt I needed, and could, do.

[Suggested listen: dododo by jinsil x tablo]

I woke up melancholic this morning. Sometimes I wake up with a single thought taking all the space in my mind. It’s a bit annoying because it doesn’t let me easily go back to sleep, but in some way, it’s also nice as it forces me to really think about it. It traps me — but I’m lucky it does, it’s too easy during the day to avoid them and just do other things.

I woke up this morning with the idea of last times. Last days. Last gestures.

For some things you get a very clear, distinct ending: your last day of school, the day before you moved to the uk, your last day of holidays. You don’t really know what to expect but you get a chance to mentally prepare (as much as one can do).

Some things, instead, just happen, and you only get to realise after months, or years, that they were the last time you did them. Do you remember the last time you kissed your ex, or made them laugh? The last time you went out with that friend? That you saw that family member?

Some, I remember, some I don’t. But most of them, if not all, I was not aware at that time that they would be the last ones. Everything was normal. Going through the motions, but in a good way. Just existing without really thinking too much of it. They were pure in a way, uncontaminated.

There used to be this tiny mountain village close to my hometown in Italy where loads of tourist families used to come for the summer holidays. Plenty of guys and girls showing up for a few months, some my age. Friends that I knew I would get to enjoy for a while, always slightly unsure if they would come back. I had my first real kiss and infatuation there, and my first “how the hell did I not notice that” when someone told me a girl was interested in me but I was too oblivious to notice it. I never saw the girl of my first kiss again, I don’t think her family ever came back. And I never got a chance to try again with the other one, she did come back, but the dynamics changed and I don’t think she was that interested anymore.

I wonder if there would be a way to know these things, to spot these moments. There has to be a heuristic that gives you a decently good idea — how old are you and is it tied to your age? What’s the situation like? Can this be tied to a specific trigger?

Thing is, let’s assume one day they come up with a machine that does exactly this. That tells you with a good chance of being right whether or not this will be the last time you do X. Would I use it? Would you?

The first category of last days, the ones where there’s a clear end, like I mentioned school, they’re full of melancholy, or sadness because things are over. People don’t act the same because they’re all aware of the impending end and it’s just not the same. It’s nice, you get some form of closure, but it’s not the same. The latter, the unannounced ends, they just happen. Everything is the same until it’s not. You don’t get closure. You don’t get the satisfaction of saying thanks, and goodbye. But is it that bad? You lived through them with sincerity and they didn’t ask you to do anything special, just to exist as you had always done. And the missing closure opens up some space to think, to fantasise about them. It feels nice too, because it better reflects the transient nature of everything that’s around us.

Weekends are like that, in a miniature way. Friday you’re all excited because you get a couple of days of freedom, but Fridays are fake — they’re artificially pumped by this powerful energy. Sundays are when the realisation sets in, that it’s over, and you have this cloud hovering over your head reminding you that a hard end is coming, and you better enjoy your last day — but you never do fully.

I guess I like Saturdays then?

This has to be the sixth time I rewrite this. I wanted to publish this on Tuesday for my birthday, a big list of advice for my younger self, then I realised giving advice is pointless because no one listens to it, so I wrote that, then I changed my mind again, then I got distracted and dropped it. I’ll try to finish it this time, promise.

I still don’t think giving advice is super helpful, but everything I’ve written here has been a diary of what I’ve learned, so I’ll write it as such, and, as a reader, take is as that too — consider this as my own personal lessons, they’re not rules, they might not be applicable to your life experiences, etc etc. It’s just a guy saying what he thinks at a precise moment in time. I’ll probably change my mind too in a few years, that keeps happening, but I still like writing down stuff, it’s like a snapshot of a moment in time. Also: they might sound like platitudes. They probably are. But that’s alright too.

So… let’s do it, a few things I’ve learned recently, in no specific order of importance:

1. Change will always happen — whether it’s you, people close to you, or the world. Nothing stops and externalities will force you to adapt. Resisting it is quite pointless as it often does not depend on you, but you always have the choice on how you react afterwards. Treasure that — feeling sorry for yourself and acting like a victim feels nice in a perverted way, but it does not lead to anything. You need to take matters into your own hands because no one will do it for you.
2. As a corollary, most of the things you’re enjoying at any given moment will end. People will die, relationships and friendships will fade out, and things that once gave you the spark in your eyes will stop being interesting. You can, maybe, prepare by planning ahead but at least some will hit you like a truck and it will suck, sometimes for a long time. It’s fine. Take your time to be sad, to grieve, and don’t feel like you’re weak because of it. But at a certain point you need to make a conscious decision to move on. You can’t stay still.
3. As a corollary of the corollary: just like nice things will end, so will painful ones. Breakups, deaths, traumas, embarrassments. They will all stop hurting. They won’t leave you, but they won’t hurt as much. It just takes time and a conscious effort to accept them and start over. You won’t be able to listen to that song you used to dance with your ex for a long time, but one day, I promise you, it will hurt a tiny bit less and the thought of what happened will warm your heart, even for just a moment.
4. We are born alone, die alone and all of that, but we’re not supposed to be alone during the journey. People make it better, more enjoyable, and easier. However it does take a lot of time and effort to nurture those relationships, and it will mean you will have to compromise on your own time, desires, and needs to keep them healthy.
5. Speaking of nurturing, there’s quite a few things in life that are “invisible” until they become a problem (or you lack them): health, meaning, intimacy, sex, and, again, people. It’s natural to take them for granted when they’re going well, but doing an introspection every once in a while to check how you’re actually doing and if you’re putting in enough effort is worth the annoyance of going through the process.
6. This one I’ve said a million times, but it’s worth repeating. You really need to become your own person to find serenity. You need to find out what you like, what drives you, what you want your contribution to the world to be (it doesn’t need to be big), your boundaries, what you will not tolerate, and what you don’t like. You don’t need to figure all of this out right now, I still am too, but you need to be trying. Also, it will change over the years, as you will be learning from your mistakes and your priorities will change.
7. Mistakes: we all do them. There’s no shame in them. There really is no shame, as long as you’re willing to take responsibility for them and learn. Something that took me a really long time to understand is that you can be a good person even if you make big mistakes, and there’s no point in hiding them. Some people will judge you and want to distance themselves from you — that’s fine. But some will understand that you’ve changed and learned. It’s up to you to prove it (but also: don’t expect forgiveness, it may come, but you need to change for yourself, because you want to leave the world in a better place than you’ve found it, not because you want someone else’s validation).
8. You really, really, don’t need everybody to like you. And you shouldn’t be liking everybody. As long as you figure out who and what you are, some people will naturally gravitate towards you, and some won’t. Trying to please everyone is a fool’s effort because by doing so you will end up wearing a mask and all your interactions will be, for one, fake, but more importantly, full of resentment as you won’t be able to fully express yourself. It’s a waste of time and just not worth it. It’s also disrespectful to others. Don’t live in a lie.
9. You have value just by merely existing. You are okay, and you should accept yourself and who you are. However, that does not mean you should not strive to improve: make peace with the present you and start from there. Don’t ignore your defects, your mistakes, your issues, but lemme tell you once more, you’re not a monster because of them. Now, though, go and try to make yourself better.
10. Going back to people, something that embarrassingly took me a long time to discover is that most people are actually quite interesting if you give them a chance to open up. Their stories are often more interesting than a lot of books, mostly because they’re more relatable, and it’s really fun to listen to them and discover them. What I’ve found though is that people are quite reserved about personal things, and so they might appear shallow — there’s no secret playbook to make them open up to you, but in my experience being the one that opens up first helps, and being non-judgmental is essential too.
11. Speaking of being non-judgmental, I don’t think there’s any point in judging people. You can (and should!) have an opinion on things, state them, but be careful about saying that someone did something right or wrong — you don’t know the circumstances that led to it, you don’t know what they went through, and so on. This doesn’t mean letting everybody step on you, having boundaries and a moral code is important, but keep it mind that just like your present “you” disagrees on many things with your past “you”, but you are still compassionate to your past self, it might be worth applying the same standard to other people too.
12. Corollary: while that is true, you have every right to distance yourself from people that do not fit your current “vibe”, and you should be actively doing it for your own sanity. Just be kind about it.
13. I’ve talked about nurturing your relationships with people, and while that’s true, it shouldn’t be too hard. If you find yourself putting a lot of effort to make something work, reconsider whether it’s the right thing for you at that specific moment. Especially for romantic relationships — they should be adding to your life, not subtracting. There will be tougher times where the scale will tip, but tread carefully. Also: don’t play games, don’t chase and don’t get chased. Flirting is one thing, manipulation is another. Discover the difference.
14. This one is more for (straight) guys as I am one: the reality is that most girls have plenty of options at any time, maybe even more than you will have in years. So it might appear that for them finding someone is easier — it’s not. I’m not going to get too philosophical on this but the big filter for guys is making a girl interested, for girls to size whether a guy is the correct choice. Both are hard under different aspects. They both suck. With experience you will learn how to act accordingly and make sure you don’t look like an idiot.
15. Also for guys: female anatomy in regards to sex should not be a mystery to you. Learn about it, there’s plenty of resources about it. Be humble, even if you think you have it all figured it out, take the hit on your pride and learn some more. Once you have a good base though remember that every woman is different and don’t be afraid to let her guide you, they know themselves better than you’ll ever do. It doesn’t even need to be awkward, it’s part of the process. And one last thing: go down on her, you’ll be playing on easy mode afterwards.
16. Get tested regularly. And for girls: pee after sex!
17. Another one for girls: hopefully this will change in the future, but men are both encouraged to distance themselves from toxic masculinity traits and punished for not being “man enough”. It’s debilitating and confusing as we no longer have many good role models to follow (on one extreme you only get some telling you what not to do, on the other some very misogynistic figures telling you women are the devil — with very little in between). Please be kind when your man opens up, make it as safe of a space as possible and as much as you can never judge them for it (and if you catch yourself judging them in your head maybe take a step back and reconsider whether it’s the correct thing to do). I’ve spoken plenty on how weird masculinity is these days, balancing biological urges with what society is instead promoting. Many guys are lost and just don’t know how to act. I didn’t and sometimes still don’t either.
18. Sit down and make a list of what your priorities are. Mine are, in order: sleep, eating healthily, working out, friends, work that gives me meaning, intimacy, dancing (ie hobbies). Yours will be different and it’s okay, just take some time to figure it out and review it every year or so. Mine has changed from what it was in the past, and I’m sure it will change in the future. Try to keep it in mind and evaluate what’s happening to you at any given moment through these lenses. It’s hard but it will keep you grounded.
19. I don’t think I’ve ever regretted going out and trying something new, even if it was an awkward experience.
20. I have regretted not spending enough time with the people I cared about though.
21. And in a move that invalidates all that I’ve written so far: giving and listening to advice is often pointless. People have the best intentions while doing it, but the receiver might not be ready for it, or misinterpret it, so it becomes a bit futile. There’s very few moments where I’ve actually listened to people, but most of the things I’ve learned by banging my head against it and fucking up. Just like most people. I think it’s natural and there’s no shame in it.
22. I really want to highlight this: most of the things you will only learn by experiencing them and putting yourself out there, not from reading books, listening to people, or whatever else. So if you’ve made it this far consider this a cheeky Easter egg: this is *my* list, not yours. If we were in person and I’d given you this written on a piece of paper I’d be telling you to thank me, read it, and then throw it away once you’re finished going through it. Live your own life, make your own mistakes, accept who you are and forgive yourself. There’s no other way.
23. Oh, last one, I promise: be kind to others and to yourself.

(By the way, it is not lost on me that I accidentally wrote 23 items, same as my birth day. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. I’ll take this as a sign that this is the best list ever written. Sounds about right.)

There was a recent video I saw that went along the lines of “why are you doing this? To be happy. But what’s the objective? To be happy. And then? I want to be happy. But do you have goals in life? To be happy.” I’m sure I’ve butchered it, my recollection sounds boring and plain but it was quite captivating. It made a lot of sense and it kind of took you on this journey of trying to maximise happiness for the sake of it, because why not, we only live once and we might as well.

It’s all bullshit.

Mind you, I’m not some kind of sad hermit that wants to deprive people of their joys. Since I’ve started accepting reality I’ve dropped a lot of insecurities and moved on from the crabs-in-a-bucket mentality that I was living in. It is what it is and that’s all.

However, I do think that maximising happiness is too short-sighted to live a good life. It leads you to some nice places for a while, even a long time, but then it eventually comes back to ask for the bill. A cliché, I know. Maybe. But I’ve done that mistake and I’m sure plenty of others have too.

More than happiness, I like to think I’m maximising for serenity, and I’ve found the best way to get to it is to strive for meaning and authenticity. What I mean here is to try to do things that are congruent to who you are, what you are, and endure whatever pain comes along with it (spoiler: there will be a lot of it).

I feel like an easy way to explain is looking at the very short term, ironically. Maximising happiness might mean going out with some friends because that’s the easy option as you don’t want to get out of your comfort zone; maximising for serenity might mean going out with some friends when you don’t feel like it because you cherish those relationships and are willing to put the effort in regardless. Maybe it could end up being a sad and tiring day, maybe not. But it will have given you a glimpse of what you are and what you need and you’ll be better off.

There are many things I don’t want to do, many situations I don’t want to put myself in. I’ve let friendships and relationships rot because of it. I’ve passed up on some opportunities to improve because the alternative was easier and it made me feel better at that time. This line of thinking might look like it overlaps with the term “adulting”, but I don’t think they are that similar. Adulting means having to do something because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Doing things for meaning means accepting that things might suck for a while, or even forever, but that’s the thing you have to do — “have to” not in the sense of being forced, but in the “this is your mission” kind of way.

Also, happiness is brief. I was happy two weeks ago when I went climbing and surprised myself with what I was able to do, and I was not happy last week when I was feeling off and did terribly. This is bound to happen in any endeavour and maximising for happiness won’t lead you that far. I started climbing because it’s fun, sure, but also because I’m terrified of one day waking up having lost one of my pillars and finding myself, suddenly, with no meaning. (Also I get to hang out with some cool friends so that’s a plus. And I suck at it that’s a plus too.)

I used this bullshit example of climbing because I don’t want to talk about some things I’m going through, but “meaning” is bigger than that. It’s your friends, what you do to help others, your family, the positive contribution you do to the world. And it’s taking hard decisions when not taking them would make it so much easier, but you would end up hurting yourself and others in the process. 

Like, I don’t want to be sad. I’m not a masochist. But I also want to look back at things and see that I was true to myself. Sometimes that’s accepting that I fucked up and need to make up for it, sometimes it’s easier and it just means trying to improve. Or sometimes it’s the hardest and it means having to take a deep look at myself, realise I’m a mess, accept it, and start from there. Again and again, until there’s nothing else I’m lying to myself about.

I’ve had this note titled “be here now” for a while now in my drafts. I don’t think my thoughts on the topic are ready yet, but writing is better than not writing, so let’s give it a go.

I spent my early twenties obsessing over zen and buddhism. I’ve read the books, the koans, the forums. I’ve been trying to search for meaning for so long, and in my state of pure confusion, I thought I had found it. Every writer, every master and every Buddha were repeating the same thing: be here now, exist in the present, nothing else is real.

They were right, but I was not — I was just parroting what they were saying, learning the words but not the ideas. They were pointing at the moon and I was looking at the finger. I was one layer removed.

At a certain point, I had a page open on a website listing a hundred koans. Koans are short stories, often made hard to really understand on purpose as to simply not tell the truth but offer a blurred version of it, the more open to interpretation the better. There’s a famous one that I love, go and read it here and then come back. There’s a clip from a movie too that I think makes it a bit more accessible, it’s slightly longer but worth the watch.

At that time I was really only living in my head — and in other people’s. I was daydreaming, reading stories, and following advice. Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with it and I still do it. It’s quite healthy! Empathy is at the base of a good life. But it cannot and it should not supplant one’s path, one’s discoveries, because for how much a good writer will be able to make you feel something, you will be one layer removed from it. You will not feel the thing, you will feel the retelling of it. It’s just not the same. And worse: I don’t think you can feel something until you’ve at least experienced it once — you cannot feel the first love, or the first loss, before it’s happened to you.

It’s a bit shameful to admit, but I spent so much time looking down at other people that were just living their lives instead of reading about the million things that could be read, the million stories. How could you be full as a person if you were not aware of x or y, if you did not read Tolstoy or DFW.

I was a fucking idiot.

I got my first tattoo when all crashed down after my first real break-up, it’s a drawing of a man searching for meaning (wink wink). It was the moment when I realised I was so preoccupied with looking out for meaning, about defining it, that I forgot to live it and experience it. I think it all changed when I did exactly that: I dropped my preconceptions and my theories and just started living my own life. I promised myself I would stop wondering about all the possible things and started instead being really present, doing things instead of thinking about them. I started spending my time away from my computer and with other people, going out, dancing, being there. And it all got more meaningful since that day. It got more real.

I now have more tattoos, but in my other arm: I have my cat Mononoke, and the two pets that I had when I was younger (now passed). They are, and were, what really mattered, because they were real. And I will get a few others for other important people and moments in my life. It might sound silly to other people, but that’s kind of the whole point: they matter to me and don’t have to make that much sense to anybody else.

I think overall I’ve become a bit stupider, or maybe simpler, since I’ve started living out there instead of in my mind (or its extension, the “knowledge” that is available). I get less preoccupied with things since I have my own to take care of, I can’t really keep up that much with the current state of events anymore, and I read much fewer stories. I think it’s all fine. It’s a balance and I might swing back in the future, at least in some part. I’m okay with that too.

As a side effect, I’ve also started making more mistakes. I’ve fucked up and let people down. I was so, so careful of presenting the best version that I could that I did not really present anything to anyone. I did not connect with people and with reality. It was all posturing. I was not really present. I am still not sometimes, but I try. The difference though is that don’t try to be, I just try and the being comes by itself.

I think I’m starting to sound like a koan. Speaking of which, there’s another one that I really like: it says that before embarking on the path of enlightenment, a tree is just a tree, with a trunk branches and leaves. During the search for enlightenment a tree is no longer a tree, it’s an allegory and a metaphor for many things. After enlightenment a tree is again just a tree, with a trunk branches and leaves.

I’ve dropped out of the race. I don’t seek enlightenment anymore, I don’t seek answers and most of all I don’t seek questions anymore. I live my life and they present themselves to me, and I try my best to tackle them as they come. Sometimes I do well, sometimes I don’t. I try to live the present, to be here now, and whatever happens happens.

Every time I write something here I feel like I’m rediscovering hot water, but this place has always been a diary of sorts for me where I share what I’m thinking, and so if it has to be full of clichés, well, let it be full of clichés. I’m alright with that. So let’s do it.

Say nice things to people around you. And do it often.

I’m not going the “people you care about will die eventually so better appreciate them” road. We know. I know. And we forget, and that’s fine too. But there’s nothing as nice to hear from someone that they care about you, that you’ve changed their lives for the better. Even small things. I know it is nice for me and I don’t think I’m the only one, so go ahead and do it, because it’s your responsibility.

The responsibility angle, I’m honest. It’s a big word but I stand by it. You know the saying that everybody is fighting their own fights, internally, in silence, fights that you might not be able to see? That, I really think we owe it to others to be nice to them, at the very least those we care about.

For me, personally, it’s a matter of confidence. I’m going to make an example about dancing — I know, I always talk about dancing, I’m boring, but bear with me, it’ll make sense at the end. When I’m out there and someone I’m dancing with tells me that what we had was nice, that it was nice to dance with me, maybe I try to look all serious and do a poker face, but internally I’m all rainbows and butterflies, and goddamn it, if something as frivolous as someone commenting about my dancing can make so happy, imagine something more important, more significant, like having a friend tell you that you really matter to them, or your partner, or your kid. I, well, we, take it so much for granted that we don’t think about it, but when it happens to us we remember those moments, for a long time, and they’re never enough, so we really ought to do it too, to do our part. To say thanks, to say you’re great, to praise.

Sometimes you’re going to miss, you’ll shoot blanks, the other person won’t be as receptive as you’ve wished they would be. It will suck. But other times it will hit well, and they won’t do the poker face, and maybe they’ll spend the evening thinking about it, or even the days after. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, if you’re really lucky, they will be grateful on the spot, just after you took the massive leap against all the barriers that you had created for yourself, and when they do, it will all have been worth it. Even if it happens once and never again, it will all have been worth it.

A while ago, when I was single, I tried Tinder to see what was up. It was the usual, after matching chatting to get to know the person and then moving on to and in-person date. I was talking with the girls for many days, you know like old school texting sharing interests and all that. It was nice, good convos.

But then, when I was meeting the girls in person, most of them after 2 minutes I had already rejected them in my mind and I was searching for a way to end the date and move on.

Thing is, I’m not particularly picky and I don’t think I have super high standards. But I’ve just realised over and over that texting, it being asynchronous and so devoid of “extra” layers and information, texting was just not enough as a way to paint a good picture of a person. 

I felt like a week of texting was equivalent to a few minutes of in-person interaction as far as getting a vibe for someone’s personality.

~

I don’t want to be liked by everyone anymore. I had that, I suffered a lot because of it. And sure sometimes I slip up but most of the times I really don’t need all people to like me.

I mean, it’s nice if I get along well with someone. It opens up many doors, not necessarily “useful” doors like work or something, just doors, as in potential experiences and “things”. But it’s not necessary for me to open all possible doors that might exist. A few are already enough since I have a limited time on this planet. So I really don’t need to get along with everyone.

~

It’s really late now, 3am, and I’m writing this in bed after a night out with some colleagues. I’ve been in Athens for 5 days now, in my company half of the people work in the Athens office, so we’ve come for a week to meet. I think I got pretty lucky because I got to hang out every night with many people and different groups.

Most of these are people that I might have seen on slack, the work chat, or had meetings with, but never really interacted, you know, outside of “working” conversations. Or even people at the office, that I’ve said hi to and all of it, but not enough time to get our relationship to click. To get a chance.

These nights many of these relationships got that chance, to develop, or at least to potentially do so. Not all of them have worked out, and again that’s cool, I don’t need to be friends with everyone and not everybody needs to like me, but some relationships have developed, and there’s people I can’t call friends like ten years friends but friends that if they end up in London I’m cool with hanging out with them for a few nights. And then we take it from there. Makes sense?

~

You could be chatting and video meeting with someone for a year on slack and do it every single day and yet that amount of time spent together would be less of what a couple of nights out would give you.

An entire year and two days, I really don’t think I’m exaggerating. There’s just not enough density in online interactions to make something into _something_. Or to make you have enough information to decide to move on.

Don’t get me wrong, online friendship can last for decades. I have a few people that I met online that not only I call friends, but that I don’t think our relationship will ever disappear. It will fade, sure, because that’s normal, time does that, but if they told me that they needed a sofa because something happened to them I would have them over in an instant.

But there’s a catch: those people I met online, but the relationship, the real thing, it formed when I met them in real life and got to spend time with them. Some quality time. Before that, the thing we had, whatever it was, it was nice, but somehow stuck in a limbo.

~

Online is good. I don’t hate it. It’s my life after all and what I build every day at work. It opens up a lot of doors and I hope it never leaves us. Actually, I hope it develops even further, that it adds extra layers, that it adds subtleties and shades. But it cannot possibly reach in-person. You know, real life, I hate the term, but we all know what it means so I’ll use it. It can never reach real life and its density. It’s a different quality altogether.

~

People are nice, and it’s pretty cool to get to meet them. Like, really meet them. I wonder how many I’d be really vibing with but don’t get a chance because of the way the world works right now, you can’t meet a million people you know.

I mean it’s something interesting to think about, but there’s no need to have everything. Something is enough, some friendships or interactions are enough, there’s already so much depth that I’m not sure I’m able to process it fully and give them the attention they deserves. It’s fine like that.

I joined a Clubhouse room this evening, it was a bunch of italians sharing their experience living in a different country. I’ve been living four years now in London, my girlfriend is peruvian, my closest friends are people from east europe, east asia, and the caribbeans, I work for a greek company, yadda yadda yadda, I’m like the best person to talk about it, right? Right. So I went in, raised by hand, got called to speak.

And then, disaster.

I started talking and the anxiety started to boil me alive, every second just a tad more, you know how they say, like a frog in a pot that heats up and after a few minutes becomes unbearable — except it was seconds. My voice started trembling, and I started making less sense, and I finally panicked, left the room, and force-quit the app.

I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.

To make matters worse, a guy from my hometown was hosting the room. Imagine what he will say when he goes back home and starts talking about the idiot Diego that got anxious and panicked, right? In a (virtual) room of like twenty people.

~

I have an interesting relationship with public speaking. I’ve hosted a few podcasts as a teenager that got some amount of success in a specific nice. But that doesn’t count, right? It’s a controlled environment, pre-recorded, no public. Public speaking, or speaking in front of some public in the broadest sense, that’s what gets me. I did three presentations in my previous company: one went decently but I had to rehearse for a week, one went well but it was in front of, well, just my team, and one went disastrously as I panicked because there were too many people watching me.

I’ve written tons on how I’ve transitioned from being a hyper-shy introvert to a more extroverted person just by forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone. I know how this stuff works, I know that to get better at something you need to just do it, and maybe you won’t become world-class, but you’ll become good enough. And so, ironically, a year and a half ago I’ve decided to try to go and speak to a conference. I’ve gotten accepted, I’ve given my talk, and moved on. Mind you, I was really nervous while on stage, the talk wasn’t that great, but I’m proud of having done it.

And yet.

Here I am, months later, trying to speak in a clubhouse room of twenty people, people that I can’t even see their faces and will promptly forget about me in five minutes, and I panic. It should have been a piece of cake, something trivial.

Anxiety is a bad bitch. I don’t think I will ever get over it, make it disappear. I can only try and try and try, but I’m sure I will fail many times. And sometimes I will be in a supportive environment where people care about me and make me feel better, sometimes I will get made fun of. It’s fine.

~

After quitting the room and the app I’ve talked with my partner and calmed down. Let the anxiety disappear. And then I’ve gotten back into the room, and talked again. It was not the best speech ever, but I was way calmer and collected. I’m happy about that. I could have just given up but I didn’t, and that’s all it matters. I won’t get famous because of my talks, but I think I can do something else in life. Maybe I can try writing.

I’ve thought long and hard on what are the causes of some of my recent mood swings, and I’ve realised that it’s the internet. Not all of it — there are incredible reddit communities out there, twitter spheres, and youtube channels that add lots of value to the world — but some places are incredibly toxic.

Not only controversies affect my mood, but they occupy a lot of mind space and consume energy, the same energy that would be better of being spent on work that matters or my relationships. Toxicity is a leech that drains you of your life spirit.

For the past half-year I’ve started muting or blocking everyone that has made a career out of outrage and controversies (so lots of journalists, twitter/tiktok personalities), and so people that are actively encouraging pessimism and cynism as a way of virtue-signalling.

My “feeds” are still not great — the algorithm is built for controversies, and somehow it still manages to sneak in various pieces of inflammatory content every day — but it’s improving daily.

However, this is not enough. My role in the world cannot be one of a passive moderator: I also need to actively change it — and for the better.

Hence, this is my promise for 2021: I will not post a single tweet, reddit post, or facebook comment that does not add value to the world (or is just straight up nice to someone).

Critiquing something is fine, as long as it comes from a place of trying to get to a better place. Shitting on things is not. I don’t have a hard rule, but it will be like the saying about porn: I know something is toxic when I see it.

If you care about me and you see me posting something snarky on twitter call me out — nicely, but let me know I’m not keeping my end of the deal.

I will give it my best.

Earlier today I’ve come across this post on an Italian facebook page, it’s sort of a nihilist post that says something along the lines “it’s dec 31, you’re about to write a carefully curated retrospective post about 2020 with just the positives, when in reality it’s been a shit year spent in ways that you really didn’t want to spend it in. but you’re still celebrating with a prosecco glass showing that not only you have a good life, but you know how to enjoy it too”.

Let’s do something else then, let’s do an honest retrospective.

2020 has been a mediocre year for me.

Let’s start with the positives so I don’t get too sad. I’ve changed jobs, leaving a place that had become toxic for me (and many others, sadly). It was scary, leaving a stable place during this pandemic, especially for me, I always feel like the biggest impostor not having a college degree, but I had slowly realised that that environment was eating me inside and making me feel miserable — and I have to say thanks to my partner to nudging me to make the jump. I’m now in a good place, a bit chaotic maybe, but chaotic in a genuine way, surrounded by good people.

I’ve moved in with my partner — it’s been hard, stressful, and a big change of the status quo. Our first flat was a dud and we’ve moved again after just eight months, but now we’re in a much better place.

We got a cat. It’s been just three weeks, and she’s a lot of work, but Mononoke is giving me more than I’m giving her.

I’ve started paying more attention to cooking, and slowly learning how to do it properly. I’m not good at it, but I enjoy it, and that’s all that matters.

I’ve gotten closer to a person that was already a friend, but not that close yet. In my last big retrospective [1 and 2] I was lamenting that I had loads of friends but no one really close, and moving out from my flatmates made it worse. Luckily it seems like I’ve found someone that is filling that gap. I just hope I’m gonna be a good friend for them too.

~

Now the not so positive things.

I’m bad, mentally. The second half of 2018 and 2019 have probably been the best years of my life, but 2020 has been among the worst. I’ve lost a lot.

I’m incredibly shitty at texting, I reply too late, if I ever, and it’s my fault, and yet I can’t learn. Because of this, I get progressively more distant to the people I care about. I really care about them, and yet I’m shit at talking with them. I am sorry, genuinely, and I don’t know what to do. I even have a reminder every day to reply to people but doing it still consumes so much energy that I struggle with it. I am really sorry to everyone I’ve hurt. This has made me grow more distant to a lot of people, and I’m feeling the repercussions now that I can’t meet people face to face. I talk to very few people these days, and it’s slowly getting worse.

Moreover, a big factor contributing to my social circles was the bachata and salsa dancing, and that’s gone for obvious reasons. I thought I could do without it, that it was just another hobby, but I was wrong. It was not. It had that mix of positives — being surrounded by people; doing physical activity; releasing serotonin; providing me with an anchor, something to do most nights, to fall back on — that nothing really has, so I haven’t been able to replace it in any substantial way.

A similar fate has been happening to the gym — I haven’t gone much this year, again for obvious reasons. And not only something that I was enjoying has been taken away from me, but some health issues have already started to creep in: as an example, there’s been a period of a couple of weeks where I was barely able to sleep due to lower-back pain, and it was making me miserable during the day.

I’ve been getting fatter, too. I gained ~5kg, not too much, but still. Leaving aside considerations about my physical appearance more weight is not good for my body, especially for my sleeping (this is the weight where I tend to snore and have sleep apnea which affects sleep quality a lot).

But it’s on mental health where I’ve got the biggest hit. I’ve talked about it, and I don’t wanna go too much into it, suffice to say that if someone is extremely outgoing (5x/week), has a couple of good and stable social circles, does physical activity 3 to 5 times a week, well, what has happened this year is a recipe for disaster. Bad habits of mine have come back too, habits that I had not solved but greatly diminished with therapy and other good habits — I am extremely stress-prone these days, and I get angry for the smallest of things. I’m not that good of a person to be around for my partner sometimes. And I hate it.

A while ago I read that to have a good life you should have a few streams of things that bring you happiness (or at least content-ness) so that if one goes down the others can keep you afloat, at least until you get it fixed. Streams like family, hobbies, work, friends, physical activity. I’ve lost the hobbies, I’m far from my blood family, I do no physical activity, and I’ve barely been keeping up with friends. It’s not good, and the way I get so easily stressed, the anxiety, and the anger, they all show that my “table” is missing too many legs to stand on.

~

But I don’t want this to be just a list of things, it needs to have some action to take. And again, it’s clear what to do. I need to stabilise the good things that I already have and work on getting back the ones that I don’t. The restrictions are not helping, and so the general environment, but I need at least to try what I can do —— things like pushing more into developing new hobbies, and keeping up with friends. It won’t be the same but it should be enough, at least for a while.

Since I wrote that I might be depressed I’ve not made a lot of progress yet, but already having Mononoke has helped a lot, and I’ve booked a few appointments for a therapist (it’s been two years since the last ones, time flies!). I’m also gonna try doing some yoga classes, I hate running so that’s the next best thing. I’ve done a lot of yoga at my previous job and it was such a nice activity (especially for the social aspect, I’ve made so many good friends in the classes, but oh well…).

By the way, the idea of having a few streams of “stuff” to rely on is common in therapy, but I’ve read it the first time in How will you measure your life by Clayton Christensen (RIP). It’s a good book, I recommend it wholeheartedly, and there are some videos too on youtube.

So yeah, not a great year, a regression on so many aspects. But I feel like I’ve finally come to a good level of awareness about it, so I’m ready to start tackling the problems. Let’s see what happens next.